Somewhere along the way
by xredSunburstx
Summary: “I never thought one sentences could destroy everything. One sentences I haven’t even said. But it’s true… it was me… just me.” Are Arizona and Calliope able to work through a secret Arizona never shared with anyone?
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Somewhere along the way (1/?)

**Author**: xredSunburstx  
**Fandom:** Grey's Anatomy  
**Summary**: "I never thought one sentences could destroy everything. One sentences I haven't even said. But it's true… it was me… just me." Are Arizona and Calliope able to work through a secret Arizona never shared with anyone?

"Somewhere I along the way I've found you, and I can't let you go…"

**Pairing**: Callie/Arizona  
**Rating**: K  
**Spoiler**: Episode 6x17

**Disclaimer:** The show and characters are not mine and there is no intention for copyright infringement.

**Chapter 1**

Deafness, Blankness and numbness are the escort of Loneliness. Grievousness is just another part of so many feelings which are capturing your body, without asking you if you want them to stay and making you curious. Anorexia and the want to drown yourself in alcohol is just the result of a long fought fight you know you are never, ever, going to win.  
And I can't lie and say I'm still a fighter, a strong man in the storm. I can't say I never thought about giving this up, because I do. Because I don't know how to win this, how to fool my deepest enemy. I don't know how to forget and stop being myself.

When I hold this tiny piece of paper in my hand I know I have to and I know I want to. I need to. But it's not that easy. It has never been and even I thought about being able to do this. Even when I thought about doing this with her. I can't… I… it's not that easy. This time I can't laugh or make jokes to override my true feelings. This time I can't ramble to forget what happened and made me to who I am now.

And even she started to become the most important part in my life it's not something I have to go through again. When I glide over this piece of paper with my fingers, gliding over her face, revealing me her face, her smile, which I haven't seen for such a long time, I want to recover. I want us to recover and get back in this room where I saw her true smile for the last time. I want to tell her honestly what stops me, what I'm afraid of.  
I want us to be stable and I want us to be truth.

Oh god… I never thought one sentences could destroy everything. One sentences I haven't even said. But it's true… it was me… just me. And I still ask myself, after 2 weeks in which we didn't even spoke, how I could do this, how I could let her go that easily. I ask myself how I could leave love behind, when love is all I need.

I just shake of the hurting thoughts by throwing the picture that reminds me of our good times back into the locker, before I close it immediately and leave a place which reminds me of her to. But I can't go nowhere in Seattle without being reminded of her. Maybe, just maybe I should go. Just maybe.

And when I walk through the corridors like a shadow of myself I can't think of something else than going back in time and involuntarily I think of the day which changed everything and took away the good.

* * *

_I can see her giant smile, capturing her whole face like almost never before. I could sense she had a good day when I entered the room and kissed her passionately. I could sense that something somehow changed within her when she kissed me back in a beautiful, breath – taking way like she never kissed me before. And when I finally sit down and start to eat and she screamed out happily I know that tonight would be a great night. But I never thought about saying her things like this._

"_I'm on fire!" She burst out happily, throwing her hands in the air while I'm watching her, a smile playing on my face._

Whenever I'm watching her I know why I felt in love with her in the first place. She's still making my body tingle and my heart cringle. She's still surprising me, making me love her more and more each single day which is following. With every sentence that leaves her beautiful full lips I realize why I love her so much.

"_But it's no just this…" She says, a small and proud smile gracing her lips._

"_It's… Everyone came for relationship advice today… and I gave them sane and healthy advice!" I nod proudly, exactly knowing what she means, how she feels, because I feel the same way. I feel save… so save in her presence._

"…_and whether they take it or not, I'm seen as someone sane and healthy enough to give advice! I mean I lived in the basement when I married an intern in Vegas. I wasn't seen that way!!!" _

_It's adorable when she rambles, trying to tell me exactly what she thinks. It makes me want to kiss her, be with her forever._

"_You're amazing…" I tell her, smiling and nodding and I didn't except what she's saying._

"_We are amazing…" She replies looking at me intentionally and it's hard for me to break the gaze, but I do, knowing how true it is. We ARE Amazing. _

We were amazing…

"_I mean, we are the stable couple now! We are everyone wants to be! I mean I can see us ten years from now in a big old house with kids running around and…"_

_I stop listening… my mind is spinning around, running back to a time where wine and cigarettes have been my stable company, where I could have filled a whole tube with my tears to drown myself afterwards in it. And even I start to giggle it's a simple way to hide how I felt a quick second again. It's something I decided a long time ago. The tiny coffins are worse enough, but not my own… not my own._

_And so I say something, thinking our relationship, our love is truly stable.  
_  
But I was wrong. 

_She jerks up, looking me into the eyes._

"_What?"_

"_No kids…" I say, still eating, not thinking about what I've done. "… you know I mean 'Yiekes'. No to the kids."_

"_You are joking right? I mean… you are in paediatrics." _

"_Yeah exactly..."_

And then I start to ramble about a boy I saved, not telling her about the boy I couldn't save.  
I tell her about the big house I want, about the chickens I'm crazy about.  
I ramble further on about the old big house I lived in with my family once. The house I loved so much.  
I talke about the dog I want and how we could make him to a chicken - attentive - dog.  
I talk so much and so fast, because I try to make her forget what she just revealed to me, her deepest wishes, and what I just replied. 

_But I don't miss the twinkling sparkle in her dark brown eyes is long gone. _

_And I'm the reason._

* * *

Love shouldn't be like that.

If you truly, purely and passionately love someone, something like that shouldn't happen. Never.

But it still became a part of our lives, until it broke us apart, until we are slowly but surely sailing away from each other. Until we are where we now.

**Misled**.

**Alone**_. _

So much **Unsaid**.

And Iall I can is to **Atone** what I did.

But everything is **Unstable **now.

And we are** Apart**.

**Unable** to go back.

But I want to go back to the **start**.


	2. Overlap

**Title**: Somewhere along the way (2/?)

**Author**: xredSunburstx  
**Fandom:** Grey's Anatomy  
**Summary**: "I never thought one sentences could destroy everything. One sentences I haven't even said. But it's true… it was me… just me." Are Arizona and Calliope able to work through a secret Arizona never shared with anyone?

_"Somewhere I along the way I've found you, and I can't let you go…"_

**Pairing**: Callie/Arizona  
**Rating**: K  
**Spoiler**: Episode 6x17

**Disclaimer:** The show and characters are not mine and there is no intention for copyright infringement.

**Authors Note: **Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! I first thought it'd be too sad and maybe not appropriated, but it's in my mind and I can't force it out and to be honest I don't want to. It's something I thought that could happened to Ari to not want kids and another reason is to work through a thing that happened a friend of mine that affected me when I was younger and it's worth to be written down, because there are woman out there who experienced the same, who are scared to have kids. But enough from me now and here another, little longer Chapter for you to read! It's a part of Ani DiFranco's "Overlap". I love her more than anything (except of Callie/Arizona and Jessica) so I thought it would match this fanfic and this couple perfectly. Listen to the song intentionally… It's just perfect.

Hope you like it and have fun reading it. I'm really looking forward to your reviews!

Love, Sun

**Chapter 2**** - Overlap**

_(Calliope's pov)_

Somebody once told me; if you find love, a never ending mesmerizing love that makes your wings grow taller and wider and your heart fly higher, you will never let it go in your entire life.

But why then I'm avoiding her? Why then?

Why am I running away from her, running in the opposite direction when she's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life?

Why, when I want us to be and have family?

Why, when I want us to start a life together?

Why, when I want to build a home for her and me?

Now. Still. But out of nothing?

I thought our love would be enough…

I was the one, after all the thinking and fighting, who was sure that I… that I found someone to love and be with. I thought that I finally came to a point where I wanted to be for so many years. A point where I could stay and be happy, forever, without moving further on. After all these crisis I gave up on love, on me, on anyone.

I never thought I would want to see me, hand in hand with someone else on a picture on a chimney in an old house where I still live and still love the same person in the age of 102.

I never thought someone could make me want children so much; affecting me that much to believe in life long love after what happened.

And maybe… just maybe, I should have stayed there on the save side of life. Alone, but save. Aching for love, but not hurt by love. I'd rather be dead than feeling like this…

I'm a mess and since her love went away, my old self is gone, the person she brought out of me. Since her love went away from me, it left back a shell of the person I was, a Glass, half empty. And whenever I see her it feels like she's taking another sip, thirsty, and another sip, until I'm drunk up, not there anymore.

When she left, she took everything away from me, she took the sane and healthy girl with her and I hate her for that.

At least I try… I try so hard. But the more I try to hate her, the more I miss her and the more I love her. It's crazy what she has done to me, how she was able to rip me apart and make me curious about one single thing. It's crazy how much she can hurt me with such a simple part.

One sentences… just one common sentence she should have said. God, she could have even lied to me and pretend that she wanted, that she really loved me. She could have made me believe anything. Everything is better than knowing the truth.

Because the truth hurts too much and it changed me.

Yes, I never thought a human heart could take so much hopeless and desperate love emerging your body, so much pain rushing through your veins, leading to your broken heart.

So many questions, but just one question printed down in front of my heavy eyes, in the haze of my free falling tears: Why?

So many words. Three meaningful, but still unsaid words.

_I love you. I still do._

But they never reach her ears, and I feels like, I'm afraid of, they are never going to reach her heart ever again.

Imagine your life heading into a direction you always planned for yourself is one of the most wonderful and breakable thing.

Thinking about my future always gave me the strength to believe in love and family.

But now, collecting the shattered glass of the bubble I silently built up for a long time, shows me how deadly it can be to have a dream and I also realize how deadly it is to believe you really know someone and then find out that you never really knew him.

No, I never really knew Arizona. All I knew were that love her more than anything. I knew about her love for children, her passion, her perkiness and happiness, about her dead brother, her favourite meal and favourite music or book, about her sex addiction she developed since she dated me, how much she loved me talking Spanish.

I know so much about her… I know her smile and how to make her dimples show up. I know how it sounds when she whispers, or says or screams my name. I know what to do to let it happen. I know every part of her body and I wished I could have known every part of her soul, before I gave her an intentional insight in mine.

I wish the time would heal my wounds and force me back into her arms. I wish I could forget so we can really talk through this. I wish I could ignore what she hasn't said, but it settled down in my heart and whatever I'm telling myself, how hard I'm trying to find a plausible reason, I can't stop the tears from falling.

I'm crumbling more than I ever did before. It was her hands that made me crumble. And crumble. And… crumble…

* * *

_It should have been a perfect night, one of so many nights, but our night. It should have been our anniversary. It should have been another night filled with declaration of love. But it wasn't like I planned it. It wasn't filled with love, kisses, affection touches and her body pressed against mine. Instead it was filled with breath – taking moments in the worse way._

_**I search your profile  
for a translation  
I study the conversation  
like a map  
'cause I know there is strength  
in the differences between us  
and I know there is comfort  
where we overlap**_

_She sat in front of me, telling me stories of one of her patients, one that reminded her of a boy she once knew in her High School. She talked about the nurses and the latest gossip they told her. She told me the latest joke one of her patients told her. She revealed me her dimples I oh so loved and even I knew I should listen I couldn't. _

_All I could think about were two little children looking exactly like her with blond messy and curly hair and mesmerizing dimples. I didn't listen to one word she said; instead I spent the time watching her taking another bite of the delicious meal I cooked. It happens to me so often that I watch her and fall in love with her just a little bit more. It's a normal act when I lose myself in her eyes, dreaming about what the future holds for both of us, for us… together. _

_And usually there's a smile playing around the corner of my lips. _

_But now there's only sadness capturing my body, because I realized that my dreams are never coming true when I want her to spend the rest of her life with me. _

_It feels like I have to choose between her and sweet, innocent children with dimples, and it's a burden I can't carry around with me. And I… I don't want to loose her ever._

_But I'm scared I will do by still dreaming about the old house and children playing baseball in the garden while Arizona and I watching them. I feel like I betray her by thinking about it and I feel like I betray myself by not __dreaming about it._

_And so I ask "Why…", interrupting her rambling and laughter._

_A simple__ word, spoken out in a whisper, and she looks at me totally confused._

_I gulp and close my eyes before I raise my voice again, words leaping out of my mouth, reaching her ears so quickly, changing the colour of her eyes immediately. _

"_Why don't you want children with me?" I ask in a hushed voice, not able to ask her loudly, because I'm scarred of her reply and when I see her eyes filled with silent tears I know I shouldn't have asked. _

"_Calliope…" She slowly tries and I know where this is heading. Into a long conversation or into a quick break up. And I can't take it. I can't take the explanation. I stand up immediately, curious and I'm walking up and down in the living room, because I can't stand still. If I stand still those sneaky feelings will capture my body. _

_She stands too, trying to walk up to me, her eyes filled with compassion. And even I want her near, closer, a lot closer, burying myself in her embrace; I don't want her to look at me that way._

"_Don't Arizona! Don't look at me that way. Just… Just be honest and don't Calliope me right now! Just tell me: Did you ever imagine starting a future with me? Did you ever imagine raising children with me? To get children with me? Starting a family?"_

_She hesitates. She stands in front of me, looking me into the eyes directionally. But she isn't saying a word. She tries to move her lips desperately, but no sound is coming out of her mouth._

_She hesitates and it's all I need to know, it's all I'm able to feel before I'm shattering._

"_Please go." I simply say and when she's trying to walk up to me and touch me I shove her away. I shove her away so hard I'm almost falling to the ground, because I haven't got any strength left in my body. _

"_GO!" I scream a last time, before I watch her get her coat, already crying. And then I watch her walking out of my life. _

**I build each one of my days out of hope  
and I give that hope your name  
and I don't know you that well  
but it don't take much to tell  
either you don't have the balls  
or you don't feel the same**

_With her my life walked out of sight. She has been my entire hope, my love, my everything. _

_And with her going away, everything else is gone, too. _

* * *

2 weeks passed with me spending most of the time in Seattle's greatest bars.

It's because I know that I can't be there where we spend most of the time. The memories of her and me together are too hard to go through.

I spend my time with drinking so much so I'm not able to feel the pain completely, and even tonight when my shift is starting in less than 9 hours I sit there with Mark at my side, rambling about the new nurse he slept with, being his old self again. And I wish I could be the same, ignoring how much she hurt me, how much I hurt my own self.

But instead I'm drowning in my Tequila, losing myself by looking into the glass, reflecting myself in it. I don't see the world around me anymore, not since she's gone and I don't see myself anymore. Not like I used to watch myself. I'm again unhealthy and insane.

I want her; no… I need her, to make me healthy and sane again. I need her so much.

"Thinking about Blondie, huh?" Hearing her nickname makes me look up, into the worried glance of my friend and I just nod, not able to say something else.

I know he wants me to be my old self again, as much as I want, but he also wants me to forget Blondie. He wants me to be happy again, not thinking about my happiness I had with her. I'm not like him. I can't forget. I can't go on. Because nothing compares to her. And as soon as I drowned the hard liquor, feeling the burn and hurt of my throat, I feel my throat cording up with a feeling that's emerging my body like thousand needles rushing down.

For 2 weeks now my heart feels heavy like it's pounding the wrong way, but now it's just breaking a little bit more, if this is really possible.

When I look up I feel like I need to throw up immediately, because the pain is too much for me.

How she's standing there, entering the bar, looking tired and worn out, just like me, is killing me painfully slowly. And I wish I could call out her name and wink, call her over. I wish I could go to her and get her, kiss her passionately in from of everyone to show them she belongs to me. I want to tell her I miss her like I do every time I haven't seen her for a few hours. I want to do so much.

But instead… Instead I look at her, sorrow gracing my face, and when she looks into my direction I want to die. I can't see her, knowing she isn't mine anymore.

And even I'm almost bursting, silent tears running down my cheek, again, I want to ask her one single thing. Just one, single, thing.

**come here  
stand in front of the light  
stand still  
so I can see your silhouette  
I hope  
you have got all night  
'cause I'm not done looking,  
no, I'm not done looking yet**

I want to ask her to stand right where she is, because I want to see what I lost. I want to see what I lost, before I'm going home, drowning in my own cried tears.

**I seach your profile for a translation  
I study the conversation like a map  
'cause I know there is strength  
in the differences between us  
and I wish there would be comfort  
where we overlap**

And there she is taking a sip, emptying my glass.


End file.
